My
partner
and
I
will
not
attend
Saturday
night’s
Atlanta
Cotillion
Ball.
It’s
not
because
we
don’t
support
AID
Atlanta,
the
agency
that
benefits
from
the
annual
fundraiser.
It’s
because
we
were
told,
in
no
uncertain
terms,
that
she
is
not
welcome
unless
she
wears
a
formal
evening
gown.
If
you’ve
met
my
wife,
you
understand
why
that
would
be
a
problem.
She
is,
in
a
word,
butch
—
an
identity
that
deserves
more
respect
than
it
often
gets
in
our
community.
She
hasn’t
worn
women’s
clothes
since
she
was
old
enough
to
pick
out
her
own
wardrobe.
She’s
not
out
to
prove
some
grand
point;
she
just
wants
to
live
her
life
dressed
in
the
style
that
feels
most
appropriate
and
natural
for
her.
She
also
gamely
comes
with
me
to
a
variety
of
gay
events,
including
plenty
of
formal
events
like
the
annual
HRC
Dinner.
And
while
she
never
wears
a
dress
(plenty
of
other
women
at
the
HRC
dinner
don’t
either),
she
also
never
fails
to
be
appropriately
attired
for
the
occasion.
Doesn’t
it
seem
ridiculous
to
have
to
explain
this?
There
are
women
in
our
community
who
would
feel
profoundly
uncomfortable
wearing
fancy
dresses.
News
flash,
right?
Apparently,
for
the
organizers
of
Cotillion,
it
is.
Or
worse,
they
just
don’t
care
if
these
members
of
our
community
support
AID
Atlanta
through
their
event.
COTILLION
is
an
annual
fundraiser
for
AID
Atlanta
that
is
put
on
by
an
entirely
separate
organization.
The
group
has
a
novel
and
laudable
mission:
to
draw
in
people
who
might
not
routinely
give
to
HIV
charities
by
hosting
a
diverse
series
of
events
and
tapping
into
the
friend
networks
of
a
new
group
of
“debutantes”
each
year.
These
“debutantes,”
all
men
of
course,
host
fundraisers
for
weeks
—
everything
from
theater
shows
to
pool
parties.
The
culmination
of
the
good-spirited
competition
is
the
Cotillion
Ball,
where
the
deb
who
raised
the
most
money
is
crowned
Cotillion
“queen”
for
the
year.
To
date,
the
event
has
raised
more
than
$450,000
for
AID
Atlanta.
Good
fun
for
a
good
cause,
or
at
least
it
should
be.
Cotillion’s
website
specifies
that
ball
attendees
must
dress
in
serious
female
formal
attire
“regardless
of
gender
or
sexual
orientation,”
except
for
a
maximum
of
200
“gentlemen”
who
will
be
admitted
in
black
tie.
Not
expecting
that
a
gay
organization
would
actively
discourage
lesbian
attendance,
I
assumed
that
the
use
of
“gentleman”
in
the
dress
code
was
at
most
a
linguistic
slip.
I
considered
it
similar
to
saying
“fireman”
instead
of
“firefighter”
—
something
many
people
do
without
actually
meaning
that
they
don’t
believe
women
should
be
allowed
to
work
for
the
fire
department.
Cotillion
organizers
require
that
attendees
declare
their
attire
in
advance,
so
Southern
Voice’s
attendance
list
included
that
I
would
wear
female
attire
and
my
partner
would
wear
a
tuxedo.
I
was
honestly
shocked
when
we
received
an
email
from
Eric
Wittgen,
Cotillion’s
table
captain
chairman,
informing
us
that
my
partner
could
not
attend
if
she
did
not
wear
a
dress.
WOMEN
CANNOT
attend
in
tuxedos
because
Cotillion
is
a
“costume
party”
and
the
“costume”
is
female
formal
attire,
Wittgen
explained.
If
the
organization
required
all
attendees
to
wear
female
attire,
the
policy
might
be
more
plausible.
However,
Cotillion’s
rules
acknowledge
that
some
men
may
not
want
to
dress
in
female
attire,
or
may
not
feel
comfortable
doing
so.
The
group
provides
an
alternative
(wearing
a
tuxedo)
for
them.
Not
providing
the
same
alternative
to
women
who
do
not
wish
to
wear
dresses
creates
an
exclusionary
double
standard.
And
while
Cotillion’s
carefully
policed
dress
code
most
obviously
excludes
women
whose
gender
presentation
is
not
traditionally
feminine,
it
also
excludes
feminine
women
from
the
“costume”
aspect
of
Cotillion.
For
me
and
other
feminine
women,
female
formal
attire
isn’t
a
costume
—
it’s
what
we
wear
to
every
other
formal
event
in
town.
For
us,
wearing
a
tuxedo
would
be
wearing
a
costume,
just
as
wearing
a
dress
is
a
costume
for
many
of
Cotillion’s
male
attendees.
Forcing
someone
to
compromise
their
identity
in
order
to
attend
this
event
is
a
painfully
ironic
stance
for
an
organization
made
up
of
gay
men,
who
are
often
forced
to
compromise
their
own
identities
in
mainstream
society.
When
I
wrote
back
to
Wittgen
to
explain
how
we
would
like
to
attend,
but
Cotillion’s
policy
treats
women
unfairly,
I
received
a
very
polite
response
from
Edward
Holifield,
Atlanta
Cotillion
chair,
that
nevertheless
amounted
to
“we
don’t
care.”
“Our
intention
is
not
to
discriminate
but
rather
to
stay
true
to
the
founding
tradition
of
what
has
proven
to
be
a
very
successful
...
The
following comments were posted by our readers and were
not edited by SOVO. We ask that you
treat others with respect; any post deemed offensive will
be removed.
Truetuft on 9/27/089:26 AM:
I fully support an effort to get the definition of "gentlemen" to include women dressing in Tuxedo. I think we all need to be mature enough to include women who support the same causes and civil rights that gay men also support. Being inclusive benefits everybody in this case.
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